DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS
1984 Color 84mins
Directed By: Edmund Purdom
Starring: Edmund Purdom, Kate Briosky, Alan Lake, Gerry Sundquist, Kelly Baker, Caroline Munro
Mondo Macabro
REVIEW BY J. ASTRO
“Ho Ho Ho!” That ubiquitous jolly chuckle just might get you killed in Edmund Purdom’s DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS, the under-appreciated holiday blood-letting that finally saw a proper DVD release this month from eclectic exploitation purveyors Mondo Macabro.
Holiday horror is pretty much entrenched as its own cozy sub-genre at this point, and there is no shortage of cinematic psycho Santas to punish the naughty. You’ve got your minor classics such as SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, CHRISTMAS EVIL, TALES FROM THE CRYPT, and even the lovably dumb SANTA’S SLAY, with ex-pro wrestler Bill Goldberg bringing his own silly brand of hyper-masculine intensity to the jolly role of a nasty killer Kringle. And the internet is positively awash with advertisements and direct mail orders for, *ahem*, somewhat lesser efforts, mostly of the “shot-on-camcorder-in-someone’s-backyard” variety: SANTA CLAWS, SLAUGHTER CLAUS, and the epically-titled NIXON AND HOGAN SMOKE CHRISTMAS (!!!) are just a few of St. Nick’s further no-budget, and probably humiliating, misadventures that can be unearthed if one is truly desperate enough.
With this veritable embarrassment of yuletide riches, this over-abundance of Santa-themed carnage, it’s lucky for us then that DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS hacked out a unique path for itself way back in the early days. Instead of featuring yet another murderous Santa, we are treated to the violent exploits of an emotionally unstable “anti-Claus” fella (played by Alan Lake) who stalks around the streets of London at night, messily dispatching anyone he finds in a Santa outfit. This usually ends up being A: drunk, B: a bum, or C: a drunken bum, take your pick. This film doesn’t have a lot of respect for the whole “fake Santa” profession, as it depicts almost all of the victims as soused perverts or homeless alcoholics in ratty red coats & hats, with cheap cotton beards, hollow eyes, and severely slurred speech. You can practically smell the vodka and body odor emanating from these poor saps right through your television screen. Our Santa-slayer himself plays a little dress-up as well, donning a creepy clear plastic mask, from under which his manic eyes bulge wildly, and he resorts to a lot of colorful methods of execution, ranging from your standard, garden variety stabbings & gunshots to more creative uses of hot coals & Gothic axes, with exploding gift packages and even a little castration rounding out the festivities.
The kills are quite harsh, and there is also a bit of gratuitous nudity sprinkled throughout. Some of the female characters in this excursion are treated rather roughly, chained up and prodded with scalpels and such, to the point where the proceedings almost cross the line from “straight slasher” into “provocative sleaze-grinder” territory… it’s as if they decided to try their hand at a slightly chillier December version of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, minus the explicit rape stuff, of course. But still not something you’d likely want to gather the kiddies and Grandma ’round the TV for on Christmas Eve. The atmosphere of the film is dreary and rainy (but no snow), without much genuine holiday cheer to spruce things up.
When some unlucky Santa-slob isn’t getting mutilated onscreen, I’m sad to say that the story is actually a one-way ticket to Dullsville, and no amount of sweet cover art or 80′s nostalgia can change that. The police procedural material they use to fill the time never stretches beyond a yawn, and while star/director Edmund Purdom has the right look for his stuffy detective character, he mostly lacks charisma. Ditto during his interactions with main starlet Belinda Mayne as “Kate” and her dull red-herring boyfriend, two characters who take up a lot of screen time initially but end up not really even mattering by the conclusion. The twisted motives of the psycho Santa-slayer are predictably linked to some sort of “shocking” childhood trauma, but even in an explanatory flashback sequence it’s all very vague and I’m not entirely sure that I understand what exactly sent this guy over the deep end in the first place. Also, the killer’s secret identity becomes essentially pointless about halfway through, since he’s kinda lazy about protecting his face and only sporadically bothers to put on his disguise… which leads to a few shots wherein it’s blatantly obvious that he suspiciously resembles one of the peripheral characters. But maybe that was harder to notice back before this film got remastered.
People who were already fans of this flick probably know there is a Mill Creek value pack copy of DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS floating around out there in one of those 50-film sets, but the lighting is so murky on that cheapie throwaway version that it appears to have been filmed inside the belly of a whale. However, the picture quality on this new Mondo Macabro disc is stellar, at least in contrast to what was available before. You can actually see what’s happening, which is always a plus when viewing a movie… I know, I know, I was shocked too, when it turned out that there actually was more to this film than an obfuscating shroud of utter blackness. The colors are warm and the picture is bright & clear, but they haven’t gone overboard and the presentation overall still has a sort of a staid, muted look, befitting of its age and temperament.
As far as body count flicks go, I’d recommend this more for intermediate slasher fans with refined tastes for the oldies; your casual FREDDY VS. JASON or SCREAM groupie could probably skip over it and not feel like they were missing anything, but the hardcore slasher completest will likely be hoping to find this DVD in their stocking or under their tree on the big day. And since they’ve been extra good horror fanboys and girls this year, there’s some added goodies in the supplements section, including a Mondo Macabro trailer reel full of mind-boggling previews for other offerings such as Paul Naschy’s PANIC BEATS, the infamous MYSTICS OF BALI, and the always-astounding LADY TERMINATOR. There’s also a hectic, choppy making-of doc from back when the film was originally produced, some interesting (although fairly shallow) background text about some of the challenges this film encountered during production, and a documentary about Dick Randall, one of the producers of this film who was also partially to blame/thank for such grindhouse as PIECES, SLAUGHTER HIGH, and a whole slew of chop-socky kung fu joints and other sleazy ventures. All in all, it’s a very worthy offering and it gives rise to the hope that some other lost, and perhaps even more deserving, horror titles will someday receive the same kind re-release treatment.
Other reviews by J Astro:
HORROR EXPRESS Blu/DVD
FINAL DESTINATION 5 DVD
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