CANAIMA, CA. 1990

Back in the early ’90s an expedition to Venezuela helmed by Dr. James Atherton led to discover something monstrous deep in the amazon rainforest. A creature capable of killing an entire ecosystem.

Well, what were you expecting?

The new breed of spider killed one of the scientists and hitched a ride in his coffin all the way to Sunny California… (crap, that’s where I live…), where it managed to find a mate- a common house spider. Like the original invaders before it, the Venezeulan spider spread its genes to a new generation. Upon hatching, these soldier spiders fanned out and crippled the town, making victims of high school football players and respected physicians alike.

Upon investigation, Dr. Atherton came to the town and identified the spiders as the same he had seen in Venezuela. This new soldier breed was designed without reproductive organs and were more meant for territorial protection than anything else. Projected theories discovered a new batch of spiders will be born without the defect, which would allow the hundreds of new babies to reproduce. Science called in the big guns this time, and hired famous actor John Goodman to come in and take out the spiders.

This is what happens when you find a Stranger in the Alps.

PROSPERITY, AZ. 2002.

Despite the fact that spiders are the most hideous and heinous things on the planet, apparently there are some freaks that find them fascinating. One deranged spider farmer in Arizona (why is it always Arizona?) had been holding dozens of exotic species in his home and inadvertently exposed the creatures to toxic waste. The chemical compound of the toxic waste infected the spiders like super-powered genetic steroids (it’s SCIENCE, all right?!) and caused them to increase in size and aggression.

Unfortunately, those are not Hot Wheels.

The spiders broke loose and took over the abandoned mines of Prosperity, eventually heading into town in search of food to harvest. Most of this food came in the form of humans, though a few cats and ostriches were reported missing as well. The spiders caused massive property damage and many deaths, but again the government chose to ignore the calls for help from the besieged townsfolk. Taking justice into their own hands (as is always the best course of action), the townsfolk managed to trap the spiders in the mines and use the present methane gas to ignite a fiery explosion that enveloped each of the eight-legged mutations.

Fortunately, all of the mutated giant spiders were destroyed and never heard from again.

Or were they?

HOGWARTS, UK. 2002.

That same year merely months later there were sightings of enormous spiders in a forest outside of Hogwarts, the private school for ‘special needs’ children in the English countryside. Allegedly several students broke out of their dormitories and escaped into the nearby woods, most likely to try hard drugs and underage sex. It was deep in the woods that the students came across a nest filled with hundreds of enormous spiders.

Excuse me while I SCREAM.

Though the plausibility of the story is questionable due to the young nature of the witnesses, there were reports that one of the spiders could actually SPEAK. Hogwarts officials denied any claims of giant spiders, coloring the students’ stories along such wild accusations of enormous snakes, dragons and a Neo-Nazi Anti-Christ bent on world domination.

However, if any account of the students’ story is true, then that proves something altogether more disturbing: Either A, the giant Arizona spiders infected with toxic waste weren’t all destroyed, and were resourceful enough to relocate across the Atlantic Ocean and hide in a forest for a decade, or B, there’s more accounts of giant super spiders that we don’t have information on, and these creatures could be ANYWHERE…

Like above you. RIGHT NOW.

The evidence is point to a very terrifying, very real threat. The spiders are learning. They are becoming better, stronger, faster. With twice the limbs as us spiders can accomplish revolutions in technology, communication and physics in double the time. Our greatest enemy is gaining on us, and if we don’t accept the danger and begin a counter-attack now, then all of us will die. It’s time to take a chance, humanity, while we’re still here.

Still don’t believe me? There’s another incident.

The most recent strike from the spiders has been the most damaging, and it has left those who choose to remember it emotionally traumatized. Though many have erased the tragedy from their minds altogether, there was never an instance more despicable, more horrifying than this. It is the worst thing the spiders have ever done to us…

NEW YORK, NY. 2007.

Need I say more?

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